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I want to do something meaningful with my life, like learn all the ins and outs of photography, or learn how to edit videos to make something beautiful out of scraps, or even just to learn to love properly, without distractions or judgements or worries. I worry too much and do too little. I spend too much time on youtube and twitter and etsy. I need to sketch, take photos, walk around the mountain I live on, write what I feel, just to get it all out, read some books godammit, maybe even learn to sew. I need to do things like that. I'm not sure if college is right for me. I love learning, but I hate all the shit. College is full of shit. Maybe I should just go fall in love and get married. I think I'd rather do that. I've never written anything like this before, so I'm not sure how to conclude. I'd just like to thank Switchfoot for helping me to think and feel more deeply than I ever would have thought was possible. Thank you for helping me realize what is good.

dirty second hands

Today was kinda weird. I was working and this drive-thru order was coming in and I was standing by the fryers getting ready to make frys for the order. The guy in the drive-thru was still deciding what delicious item he wanted to order when Carson told me to "stop being lazy and get to work." I replied with a, "shut up Carson." He then proceeded to tell me to, "suck his balls." He wasn't kidding. Austin always kids around with me, he never says anything near as crude as that, but I can always tell that he's joking. This new kid Carson however, likes to think that anything goes for him. He's such a smart-ass and doesn't do anything that his managers tell him to do. He dropped out of school a few months before he graduated. Now he works at Arby's and doesn't even take that seriously. And every time I come home from work I feel sick. Even when I don't eat anything. Ugh. I don't hate my job, or even the people I work with really. You need a positive attitude to work at a fast food joint. But these stupid, arrogant hicks they keep hiring really make me mad. 

Also, I've been meaning to rant about the priest at my church who I hate. I don't really care if I shouldn't, but he totally botches Mass. He's replaced words in the Mass for more liberal, general terms. He always raises the hosts and chalice before he says the concecrating words. It makes the actual transubstantiation less meaningful for me. I hate it. Whenever I see he's saying Mass, I almost want to leave. 

...In other news, I've been accepted into Mount Saint Mary's University and Arcadia University. Arcadia is in Philidelphia. I think I'm going to go to Mount Saint Mary's. I like a nice rural setting. Plus, they have a really pretty chapel and a super shrine to Mary. Plus plus it's only about an hour from home. Yup. I only applied to four colleges. I've gotten into two of them. I havn't heard from Towson and I didn't get into McDaniel, but I always knew I wasn't going to. I didn't really like it that much anyhow. They're really super academic whores. I am not. Therefore I don't belong. 

I need to come up with an idea for my independent project in Portfolio. I want to do a surrealism piece. I'll think of something eventually. 

Alrighty. That's all for now folks. 

dirty teeth

So I just watched this movie called "Persepolis" for the third time. It's pretty good. You should watch it. I feel like my life is starting. Crazy huh? I guess that's how I would describe how I feel at the moment. I feel more committed and happy in my relationships. I kinda want to do well in school now that I know I'm going to college. I feel like I know where my loyalties lie. I feel like I've stopped worrying about the things I can't control and started worrying about the things I need to control. Who knows. Maybe I just watched a really intense movie or I'm really tired and these things are just gushing out of my exhausted brain. Maybe it'll take me a while to really get over my laziness. Maybe I just won't change at all. All I know is that right now, I feel really excellent. Sorta. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face really badly, but it's 2:29 am and my mom's asleep. That feels kinda gross. Nobody I like is on facebook right now. Or AIM.  

Miss Jennings has polycystic ovaries like me. Somebody told me that the other day. It feels good knowing that other people know what crappy things your body does to you. Yeah.  

Nobody comes to me anymore. Not like they did freshman year. I miss it. I like being there for my friends. It makes me feel like I make a difference to somebody I love.  

I'm so freakin excited for senior week. Just my friends and a house and movies and the beach and nothing else. It's gonna be so great.  

I eat WAY too much sugar.

she said "yes"

I hate engagement stories. 

Whenever I read them or see them on TV, the only thing I can think about are the chances that in a couple of years, those people will divorce. They will hate each other and fight over the 2 or 3 kids that they managed to squeeze out together. I feel so hopeless for this generation of greed and stupidity. 

It also makes me feel uneasy about my future. I've always been afraid that the man I will marry will be wrong for me. I'm afraid that I won't have optimal happiness in my relationship. How selfish is that? I'm scared that I'll miss the guy that was really meant for me. I think that there are plenty of people that are potentially compatable enough for a lifelong commitment, but only one that is really meant for you. Like made for each other specifically. I don't know. It kinda sounds rediculous when I say it. I guess I'm just scared that I'll settle for somebody when I could have/missed the perfect one. 

I mean, I'm not worried about finding somebody right now, just worried for later. You know. 

I eat too much sugar. 

the blues

Is this the new year or just another night

Is this the new fear or just another fright

Is this a new tear or just another desperation

Is this the finger or just another fist

Is this the kingdom or just a hit and miss

I miss direction most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom

Is this what you call pain

Is this what they call discontented fame

It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in

When the world caves in

When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass

For broken hearts and broken noses in the back

Is this the new year or just another desperation

You push until you're shoving

You bend until you break

Do you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay

It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in

When the world caves in

When the world caves in

Is there nothing here worth saving Is 

No one here at all

Is there any net left that could break our fall

It'll be a day like this one when the sky falls down

And the hungry and poor and deserted are found

Are you discontented 

Have you been pushing hard

Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards

It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in

When the world caves in

When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now, nothing left to sing

Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy

Is this the new year or just another desperation

Does justice never find you 

Do the wicked never lose

Is there any other song to sing besides these blues

And nothing is okay until the world caves in

Until the world caves in, until the world caves in...

so that's my new year's song. it is every year. it's kinda sad i guess. it makes you think.

i wanted to use a different video, but the only goodish one i could find had pictures from the holocaust and i didn't really want to post that. 

yeah. so in recent news i got my braces off. that's pretty exctiting i suppose. 

also in recent news my hair is getting long. i kinda like it. 

my retainer looks like a watermelon. yay.

also also in recent news, bobby and i are doing really well. i dont really talk about him much but im really happy so i thought it would be kinda news worthy. im much more stable now and i think that is definatly a contribute to my happiness with bobby. so yay!

(...is contribute a word and if so did i use it correctly? not as in con-TRI-bute, but like, CON-tri-bute. i dont know...)

also also also in recent news, i don't believe in new years... even thought the blues is my new years song. the night of December the 31st is pointless. all it is is the passing of time. nothing special. time is always passing. nothing changes when the new year starts. nobody keeps resolutions. i like to mark years at times like cornerstone and lake george when i can remember what i was doing there last year. i guess i do that because i love being at cornerstone and lake george. 

so that was what i had to say. THE END.

i love you guys. i just want you to know that.